I never knew you could love a little peanut so much when you only knew he/she existed about a month ago. A little over 5 weeks ago Daniel and I found out we were expecting. We were thrilled, a little nervous, but just so excited to be welcoming another little baby into the world in November. I imagined Lillian as a big sister to another sibling and Wilson growing into the role of big brother. I got excited thinking about the holidays with a newborn and having a baby in a totally different season of the year than my first two. So much to be looking forward to. At my first OB appointment we saw our little peanut and saw the heartbeat. The baby only measured about 5.5 weeks so we were told to come back in two weeks to finalize our due date. When we arrived at our appointment Daniel and I were waiting for our doctor and making guesses on what the due date would be for our little "guy." After we started the ultrasound the doctor got really quiet and then informed us that our little peanut's heart rate was very low (about 50-60 bpm), when it should be around 120 bpm. He informed us that all we could do is "wait and pray" for the next 8 days until our follow-up appointment. We tearfully got in the car and I spent about the next 36 hours in a tearful state of shock.

We informed some of our family and friends and immediately felt supported. Through this entire process Daniel and I have been reminded of what the Body of Christ is all about. We've had meals brought to us, arms wrapped around us, and flowers sent to us. Daniel and I have stood amazed at how wonderful our family and friends are here in the Springs and the ones praying for us from farther away. We've felt so loved. I am not very used to asking for help but it has been so good for me to stand aside and let others lift me up when I have felt weak.

This week we returned to our doctors office and discovered that our little peanut no longer had a heartbeat. We were very saddened by this news. Sometimes its easy to have "answers" for a situation when you are not the one going through it but it sure tests you when you are the one asking the questions. I have wondered why in the world I got pregnant in the first place. I've wondered if I did something wrong (which I know I couldn't have changed the outcome but it is still a question you ask yourself). I've mourned the fact that I have lost a bit of "innocence" when it comes to getting pregnant again; I imagine there will be a bit of a mental battle when it comes to my next pregnancy. Despite all these questions, I have come to a point of such peace and such trust. I have known that through this entire process, but it is nice when you can "feel" the trust and peace too. I know I don't have the answers and quite frankly, I am glad that I don't.

We've received lots of phone calls, texts, and messages sharing sympathy and prayers. Its meant the world to us. One text I received was from a dear friend who lost her husband in August. She has three elementary aged boys at home. Her text read "... I know a really good daddy in heaven who loves cuddling till you get there." Wow...how humbling that is. So often there are things in life that we can't begin to understand.

At the end of the day I am thankful. Not thankful for these circumstances, but thankful that I am so blessed with Lillian and Wilson who are so vibrant, healthy and full of love. My partner in life, Daniel Wilson Grothe who is an attentive husband and father, who leaves me notes all over the house, telling me how blessed he is to have me as his wife. I am one well taken care of woman!